My identity is not in anything here.



And all that I am belongs to the Lord God Almighty,

who was and is and is to come.



And all of you does, too.


I listen to the symphony of thunder tonight.

And watch as lightning lights up the sky outside my window.



This shakes me,

this is the beauty that He breathes to life

the beauty that comes out of the dust,

there's something so much bigger going on here




..

It's crazy to see where I've been in three years.

2008 seems like an eternity ago...
so many people and places that turned my world upside-down.


And here we are.


And to tell you the truth,



I am not satisfied.


I don't especially like how things are going. And life certainly isn't my perfect picture. I can't sit back and sigh and say- yes. This is good.



I ache to hear him, to see him, to know him


So tonight I rest



And listen, and watch, His symphony.

some sugar and spice.

Sometimes I wish I was Shauna Niequist. And drank wine and held dinner parties, and wrote cool vignets to put in novels, like Cold Tangerines, or Bittersweet.

Or that I was Zoey Deschanel and was with Joseph Gordon Levitt in 500 days of summer.

Let's be honest,

books and movies can ruin our lives.


Nothing on the screen is real. You can say reality tv is true reality, but it's cut up and taken apart and your context is upside down.

Nothing on the screen is real.

So why do I compare my life to what I see? Why do I say, I wish I had that, when "that" doesn't even exist???

Where does contentment come from, here.





..

Goals for B quad and forever:

spend more time reading the Bible, to try and shape my whacked perspective

find joy in the Lord, in whom joy truly lies.



and STOP chasing after love spelled e-m-p-t-y.
it's just not a good way to go.



oh,

how I wish I could see more than this little glimpse of life I do.

I pray to learn, and to know,

and to find rest in his strength


because knowing freaks me out.

if I knew about stuff,

I'd have to do something about it.


My to-do list grows by the minute.

the jealously that exists in me needs to be replaced by the love of the Lord.

Here is my challenge for myself.

Whenever I think something bad about a person, immediately pray for them.
Maybe this will remind me that they are people too who just want to be loved, and they are indeed desperately loved by God himself.

Yikes.

outlook, glasses, a picture.

What do I see, and what do I remember?
My psych reading tonight was memory.

The topic neareset to my heart, I'd say. (Though that does not say much.)

Is there a reason.

Is there a reason why terrible things seem to have the ability to burrow down deep into my thoughts. To wedge themselves each tiny inch of space, to grow roots and thrive there.

Is there a reaons, why terrible things are captured, taken, a picture that seems to glow with detail, an image sharpened by my mind, my personal photoshop?

I try not to remember.

One movie, one book, one conversation, one image

They get impressed upon my mind, a stamp,
dented into my skin. my mental body.


And I say, oh Lord, why?

Please take this imagination from me
my remembering.


I do not only want the joy of the Lord to be my strength.
I want to BE joyful!

I want beautiful things to impress upon my mind stronger, clearer
I want to know them best


There are not only simple pleasures to know, to understand
Not only warm weather and friends to be thankful for

I have been redeemed by the holy one, and you have also.

By grace we have been saved, dear one

And what is waiting for us!!


Why am I not followed by this wonder
why doesn't beauty haunt me in my unconcious?


Why don't I dream of beautiful.



Don't worry, I'm okay,

I just can't help but notice the strength of the bad things, and how easy it is to overlook the good.


I can't even believe the way I function.


The God of all creation has won the battle ALREADY.

Did you hear that..


Already.








And one day "the trumpet will sound and the Lord will decend,

It is well with my soul."

..Is it well with yours


?









How I long to rest in the perfect love bestowed upon us,

there is so much good to see.



And I know we can't ignore the bad, I know we are called as believers and lovers of Christ to constantly fight opression, to stand against injustice,


I know.


But not being joyful is almost like not acknowledging the extent of his love,

or maybe it is just not knowing it.




Either way,

I want to know his love so bad.


I would love to taste sweet joy,

and know true, lasting joy



that endures, and perserveres.

That speaks praise


all the time

Chameleons bug the crap out of me.

STOP trying to become just like every person you're with.







It's noticeable.

telephone cords

I miss you


I didn't put a period at the end of that sentence because my missing you doesn't stop. Each day the missing comes up in me, it starts to bubble and then it stays


and it lives there, and it earns its keep

by twisting me up all around, inside.



I miss you, and you,

and sometimes it's a happy missing

it's a laugh-lined missing

it's a  quiet smile to myself
it's a secret little note that no one else reads but me


the traber boys give me weird looks.



My missing can be lonely.

It can touch the hole that you used to fill, it can voice the words that you used to say, it can put pressure on my chest,

the lawn-layers don't notice.



It brings streams up around my liner-ed eye lids.
gospel choir jokers don't notice.



It tries to know who you were,
but it's a real good paintbrush.

and helps me create a you that might not have even existed.




To tell you the deepest secret, love,


I've forgotten most of our history.





And you, and you, and you,


may not be missing me.

But it's okay.
Because I'm not quite sure what the value in missing you is.



And just like this,
this that keeps on going



I have no period for these thoughts either.



They just extend from the jumbled telephone cords within me to you

and then they get tangled up in yours, too.


If you hear me






And keeps going