1.1.12.

I did it.
I hit the bottom.

For a long time I've just been going down stairs.

I have these levels in me, see, and so do you.
These levels of depth.

And every time we say think something, it hits one level of us. From the most shallow floor or lower. This is all just a metaphor and only exists in my perception of trying to figure out what just happened to me.


Yeah, I'm different. hah.


In church sometimes I try to reach down. I'll decide what kind of impact I'd like this church going experience to make on this given Sunday. So that's how far it goes.

And yeah, stuff stays with us and some stuff hits us deeper than others.

I just found a really low spot.


I didn't plan on it. But as I was lying here trying to fall asleep, my mind was wandering. My mind was dreaming. But as the dreams got longer and thicker, they actually became memories.

Memories I hadn't thought of in a long time. Memories that didn't mean anything when they were happening and mean everything now.

I didn't expect that to happen. You don't expect the past to get more meaningful with time, you wait for the opposite.

Apparently that was wishful thinking on my part.

These posts are boring. (If anyone even reads this which I'm sure those only like 3 of you).

I'm not saying what happened. Or what I was remembering. But I guess I've been in a rut lately and not sure how to handle everything. I want to move forward, I want to be someone new.

I want to have new experiences and approach life in a completely new way.

I've been stuck, though. Because I haven't dealt with what's down there. Hey, this story sounds familiar. Hello Leonardo DiCaprio and your dead wife and her apartment. [Inception]. Anyway...

Yikes.


I guess I had more to sort through than I thought.
And I think it's going to take many journal entries and a lot more than blogging to sort through it.

home

I remember when it was warm outside.

When we were stressed but okay, older but naiive.
When we could sit out on the lawn and read,

and only get a couple pages done.

I remember when I didn't know what I was doing

When each day felt like a thousand
When I could picture the best itme when

we'd be reunited, it'd be perfect.

I remember when I wasn't so angry

When I felt like I could actually be seen
When I felt like someone would probably want to know me

and when I prayed less often.

I remember that I only kinda liked that time

When I thought I'd feel so much better about this one
When I thought I knew what was comin',

I'm still not completely sure.


I remember when I knew where these thoughts were going

When I thought I had direction for this typing
When I thought my ideas were worth reuniting.

All I got was this lousy writing,


and no more thoughts to give.


I'm so confused.




I told someone the other night,

that who I seem to be isn't quite true. That I'm not so loud and opinionated, that my story-telling is just for show and for a few laughs because people don't pay attention otherwise.


And so I keep thinking about, if I had someone's full and undivided attention,

What exactly I would say.



I can't automatically think of anyting. And that is the most frightening thing yet.

because I care about so much and would like you to know.

but i don't even know what to tell you first.


Let's start with i love you.

Maybe i should listnen to your story too.
This could be good.

there's hope, there's hope.


even though there's no more sunshine, and a lot more snow.

Why I tell my story.

I tell my story for you

because you care, because you learn
because you were there, because you saw it too.

because you like talking to me.

I tell my story because we enjoy coffee together

because when you walk beside water words come out
because camp bunks at night require outpour of hearts


I tell my story because it's funny
because I do silly things and I like your laugh


I tell my story because I want you to know how much your part of it meant to me. I hope you see that through my attempt at wise-cracks and sarcasm, a shadow of description over the actual reality of effect your love blew into my soul.

yeah, that.


I tell my story, to you.

But, you are not the single reason.




I tell my story because without it being said, out loud, or time and time again,

I don't know if I believe all these things happened.

because I want to remind myself that I'm actually alive

that moments haven't been wasted


that he's spoken to me

before.





I tell my story because remembering fuels my living right now




remembering what good he has done,

and what he's given me,

through you.

City Lights

I am only trying to see.

Tonight I got to enjoy Chicago with one of my closest friends. Someone who seems to have the other half of me sometimes, when I feel completely crazy and a little lonely in my thoughts. It's nice to have those reciprocated, once in a while.

So much of me wants.. big. More. Deep. Extended. Better. Truer.

...But what is wrong with now?

How can this be anything, this always wanting? When do I think God will wave his magic wand God hands over me and my little baby earth and say, "Here darling. This is the perfection you've been waiting for."

Do I think one day, suddenly, my eyes will open like I was immediately revived and aware to the beautiful surrounding that had existed the whole time?

When do I think all my wishes will come true, dreams fulfilled, goals achieved? Love lost yet love won?? All accomplished and known, recieved and thanked for.


I hold on to this vision yet,
do nothing today.

do nothing today.

Well, actually, my point is that I actually did do something today. I experienced a beautiful city with a friend, and shared heart stories, and talked about truth. And that God has plans that are bigger than mine.

I would consider today a step.


..

I have a problem with sleeping.


I have no schedule, no hours of good rest. I am up late and up early all the time, taking chunks of hours to sleep during the day, putting off my work and good rest and health.

So much coffee.


So I feel like I'm stuck in this hazy rut saying "Dear Lord show me, show me your world, show me who you are, let me see through YOUR eyes" wanting the biggness, the fulfillment, the knowledge..

yet sleeping my very life away


not seeing how blessed I am to be at this institution
forgetting the hard-earned pennies my parents are giving for me to be studying in this dorm room, smith-traber 2S
not having enough conversation with these girls that I was sent to live with, sent to get to know..

and the list goes on.


as much as I say I remember,
there is so much I forget.


..

I wonder when it is okay to leave things behind.


I think the best indicator of that,

is when I don't have enough room

for today.




I want to love today
And see him today


And overcome my short-comings, my weakness,
and jump forward to who he is.

Not in unrealistic dreams and selfish wishes,

but in true love of Him,


and appreciation,

for today.

I'm up too late, and it's been Black Friday for officially 3 hours.

Today I have things to be thankful for.

The heaviest weight that I get back to when I'm brought here

is the reason I am thankful.

I am redeemed.

Thank God that he frees us, that tomorrow is new, and that he is the same.
Praise him.




I am not the same as I once was and neither are you.
We are loved and pursued and accepted

can you feel it?

Thank him, thank him, and if you're not sure what for,

open your eyes.



And if you can't see it then then start praying because he hears your cry.






Ahh..


I see it more after time has passed. I am able to see, yes, I've come far.
I am also able to see that I've got so much farther to go.


I know this is a boring post because it lacks detail and, well, a story.


I have no story for you. There's no rising action or plot or climax.

There's simply a before and after.



I was lost and heartbroken and bruised,

God said he wasn't finished yet,
and loved my pieces back together.


Now I'm free


Not perfect,

Free.





Free to live with hope, and free to love him back.
Free to know truth and freedom to be confident in that.



It will be okay,


Thank God.




Oh, and,

thank God for the stuffing too because man it's good.

BITH letter.

For my BITH class I had to write a letter to a friend explaining why I went to Wheaton even though it has strict rules, etc.

So I start the letter saying that it was interesting to see where we all ended up. (Pretty much).

And then this weird picture entered into my head.

It was of four pretty girls on graduation day. They had been friends forever, see, and they finally made it. This is the top. This is the happily ever after. Their dark blue gowns made their blue eyes sparkle, and there were lots of bright flashes as thrown caps danced above their heads.

Yeah, this is it.

How many movies have I seen with this image? Too many. So what did I expect when it came to my day? Well, pretty much that.

It's weird to know that it's already past.

I thought those kids were so cool. So cool as they went to their senior all-night party. As a freshman/sophmore, that's just so BA. You're graduated and you can do whatever you want now. But hey, might as well go to this silly school function. You're going to hang out with your friends, not because it's cool. And you don't even have to.

Woah. So sweet. .. hah.

But those few years have flown by and I can barely even remember being that. Where high school still seems super important and a senior seemed like a whole new grown up adult.

I don't even know which way is up now.


I expected to be challenged in College. Mainly in the academic sense.

Hahahaaaaa. I was so. Blind-sided.

Every day has been a whirl-wind. These are new rooms, new faces, new jobs, new papers.
Everything is something that I've never experienced before and I just have to figure it out.

Spiritually?? my life's a mess.

There's wonderful and awful all the time. I'm getting to know more of life and death whether I like it or not. Bad stuff comes like a slap in the face, unexpected. Out of no where. But blessings come too, like rain that comes on a sunny day.. when you had no idea it was coming but you're really excited that it did. Because it's beautiful, after all.

I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this well, but I just wanted to say that this is not what they teach you.

Movies, kids that don't know anything, your dreams and expectations.

None of these things know what life is really like, or what is actually going to happen to you. You live it and hold on tight,
you just wake up and read Bible verses because where the heck does wisdom come from, anyway?


Because even if people change their minds the Bible always says the same things.

And God is still completely solid, doing weirdly cool things whether you're ready or not. Even when you're still on that spinny ride, frantically looking for someone to grab that metal bar and pull you to a stop as you hear gravel slide under their feet.

He's brings blessings on us when we look and can't find anyone.


Ah he's so awesome.

And please, instead of exerting the same about of extreme effort to deny him, maybe think about exerting effort to find him.

Because if you don't know,

you might as well pursue the story with a happy ending.


Just. Saying.

There must be more, than this.

Have your way with us.
Have your way with me.

There's a point when you realize that you just can't do it.
You can't do everything.
You can't save the world.

I apologize if that's news for you.

There's a point when you realize that love is actually more of a rarity than they taught you. And then you learn that that sucks.


But there's also a point, where you turn around your thinking.
Where you have to open your eyes in a new kind of way because you have to.

He makes beautiful things.

Relationships do exist. Sunshine does exist. Learning does exist. Letters do exist. Words do exist. Coffee still exists. You still exist.

And we'll figure it out together.


We need to hold these beautiful things. Some people might not be able to see it. And we don't fight them. We don't fight them for not seeing.

Because it's a sad thing.


If you can see, if you see beautiful things,
it needs to be shared,

it does.



Like music.
Like children.
Like warm, soft nights in summertime.

Like snow.

Like forgiveness.
Like sacrifice.

Like moms.

Like truth.





Everyone wants the truth and that's all.

That's all we want, they know that.


However,

it's also all we have.

And for some reason,
that's harder to see.

Why?

Share beautiful things.