City Lights

I am only trying to see.

Tonight I got to enjoy Chicago with one of my closest friends. Someone who seems to have the other half of me sometimes, when I feel completely crazy and a little lonely in my thoughts. It's nice to have those reciprocated, once in a while.

So much of me wants.. big. More. Deep. Extended. Better. Truer.

...But what is wrong with now?

How can this be anything, this always wanting? When do I think God will wave his magic wand God hands over me and my little baby earth and say, "Here darling. This is the perfection you've been waiting for."

Do I think one day, suddenly, my eyes will open like I was immediately revived and aware to the beautiful surrounding that had existed the whole time?

When do I think all my wishes will come true, dreams fulfilled, goals achieved? Love lost yet love won?? All accomplished and known, recieved and thanked for.


I hold on to this vision yet,
do nothing today.

do nothing today.

Well, actually, my point is that I actually did do something today. I experienced a beautiful city with a friend, and shared heart stories, and talked about truth. And that God has plans that are bigger than mine.

I would consider today a step.


..

I have a problem with sleeping.


I have no schedule, no hours of good rest. I am up late and up early all the time, taking chunks of hours to sleep during the day, putting off my work and good rest and health.

So much coffee.


So I feel like I'm stuck in this hazy rut saying "Dear Lord show me, show me your world, show me who you are, let me see through YOUR eyes" wanting the biggness, the fulfillment, the knowledge..

yet sleeping my very life away


not seeing how blessed I am to be at this institution
forgetting the hard-earned pennies my parents are giving for me to be studying in this dorm room, smith-traber 2S
not having enough conversation with these girls that I was sent to live with, sent to get to know..

and the list goes on.


as much as I say I remember,
there is so much I forget.


..

I wonder when it is okay to leave things behind.


I think the best indicator of that,

is when I don't have enough room

for today.




I want to love today
And see him today


And overcome my short-comings, my weakness,
and jump forward to who he is.

Not in unrealistic dreams and selfish wishes,

but in true love of Him,


and appreciation,

for today.