What do I want to say?

My blogging doesn’t happen because, though i’m learning an astronomical amount of things,

they’re things I am usually scared to share with the world. Well, that is going to have to end.

I am learning that I desire to spend time with God. I want to talk to him. I want to know him. I want to learn and bask in his love

BUT,

(yeah, it’s a huge one)

I feel like I can’t just stick my toe in the water. I can’t slowly let myself down into this grand ocean of knowing, this divine life, this outside of my little Anna-girl-Wheaton-box-life.

I am afraid because I feel like I have to dive in. And there is so much to swim through that I think I don’t have time for it.

I don’t have time to dive, God, I don’t have time to dive.

I don't even float. I'm not even on the raft on top of these floodwaters.. I just park it on the side on my towel. laying in the sun and wondering why I’m not refreshed yet, why I’m not cool, why I’m not dripping in new-nes and joy that comes from the release of great sorrow, of why there’s not new understanding seeping into my pores, and skepticism floating out of my mind and my soul.

This is what I wonder when I don’t jump, and when I don’t even swim.

And it’s sad. You could see it in my face if you peeked under my wide-brimmed hat.

You’d see it.

There is something to be found, there.
The surface doesn't say anything, doesn't change anything.
You could wait forever.

Let my toes slide off the concrete edge and into this flood of relationship. Relationship with our Creator. I want to see these beautiful things.

For now I’ll hide because I don’t have time, because I don’t have time. I’ll just tan here and let light reflect off me, and overheat from all this crap that I’m supposed to understand.

ahh..

I want to be surrounded by your presence,

to be known, to be engulfed by pulsing life-water,

to open my eyes and squint because this chemical of you stings my eyes, because you are unlike anything else

and your power hits me
.
Surround me with warmth of your love,

Let me go so deep that I can’t see what used to be

Let me know

..


How great is God—beyond our understanding!
The number of his years is past finding out.
He draws up the drops of water,
which distill as rain to the streams^;
the clouds pour down their moisture
and abundant showers fall on mankind.
Who can understand how he spreads out the clouds,
how he thunders from his pavilion?
See how he scatters his lightning about him,
bathing the depths of the sea.

O my Strength, I watch for you; you, O God, are my fortress,

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.. Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign LORD comes escape from death.

..

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.


Job 36, Psalm 59,68, & 62.