this windy evening.

I walked and I walked fast.
My scarf really wasn't enough. It's not much protection against the engulfing air. Sometime's nature is the only place to go,
because you feel like there isn't anywhere that you can breathe.

I could feel blood rush to my cheeks and the edges of my shoes rub against my skin. There was pain because of the arch of my foot. I gripped the sides of my arms, holding on to my head and gravity.

How on earth could this happen.


I choked.

I choked on sobs and odd sounds erupted from my stomach to my throat and out my mouth.
I didn't know what to do with this knowledge.

I don't get it still. Your face is my mind is still smiling.

I still see life in you. Life in you life in you.


Because you brought life to us.



They came around me, they came and found me. All I wanted was warmth, and closeness. They said it was okay to cry but they don't know.


They don't know.

This opens the box, the pandora's box of questions I have. Remarkable questions are shooting up from this treasure trove in my hand,

what do I do with this?


Are you in glory?

Are you in glory?


I cry because my head is spinning.


I cry because I cannot imagine.


I cry because...

because we never got to share with you.

Experiences,
Memories,

Jesus.








...


Hold me, Hold me, I know you shouldn't but I want you to. Be stability as I'm spinning, let me feel warm and protected and safe.

Be a safety bar on this spinny ride for me.



Tell me, tell me. While there's tears in my eyes.

He will get glory from this, right? From this surprise to us.

He must know, He must know.


and we must pray,
for them.


There's mascara painted across my skin, webs of make up on a splotchy background of a person.

Who am I.




And who were you to me.


You were beautiful.


I cannot fathom glory,

I cannot empathize this idea of victory,


I hope to our dear Lord,


that you are experiencing this very thing,

this most incredible love




at this very minute.




Hold me, Hold me,



and we will pray for them.

If only I was a better writer.

So then the season that is so vivid to me in my mind could be so vivid to you, as well.

And then we could all understand.

Forgetting can't be the answer.

We have to deal.

We have to deal with here and now or what the heck is the point.

And we are this way because of what happens in our lives.


So..

dismissing what we've learned, dismissing experiences,

doesn't help us deal.



It just helps us suffer, still,


Suspended.



And

Can't wait for BITH

I can't wait for my BITH class. This is a class about theology, etc.

This is because right now I'm in psych, philosophy, sociology, and literature.
Frankly, I am so annoyed with my area of study right now.

I mean, the study of humans is interesting and all,
but I keep learning more indepth and realizing how screwed up we are.

I need to learn about some grace up in here!

Sometimes, I can't avoid writing any longer.

I like the laundry room.

I'm currently in there now. STILL not doing my philosophy paper. ...Stupid philosophy paper.

The reality is, I'm so thankful to be here. And I suppose reminding myself of this great opportunity and doing everything I can to embrace it would be motivation...

Okay I'm avoiding what I really want to talk about.


I want to talk about.. I want to talk about God.

Don't tune out, yet.


Gospel Choir is challenging. Every song is sung as worship to the King of Kings. Every word is a thank you, a praise Him, a shout of proclaimation for this joy we have

this saving grace, from the glorious Savior.

And when you're singing this, you can't avoid this meaning. It echoes through your brain and your veins and there is no where to run. So here's the challenging part.

In each and every moment here, you're met with the question, do I really believe this?

..I don't want to scare you. I am a believer in Christ the son of God.

But I wonder a lot. Because this doesn't make sense to me that someone so great and so beautiful would spend so much time and thought on someone like me.

Someone who can't keep her own head straight.

And it, to me, is unfathomable that someone so great exists. Because this world is etched into my very skin, and I can't seem to scratch it off no matter how hard I try.

This world does bad things to us. What am I saying.. we do bad things to us.

So I'm not saying I don't believe. Of course I believe. Too much in my life has happened for it to not be coincidence. Too many incredible people I know follow after Christ. Heck, look out my window, those trees had to have come from somewhere.

And sometimes I know that someone hears me. Because someone will just... happen and I know it's him. I know.

But sometimes this all just seems so terrible. Too many problems and not enough answers. I'm talking about the issues of the world, here.

I just don't want to be someone who tacks all the Christian-isms on the end of everything in order to make positive a bad situation.

I want to know. I want to praise the King because I feel the true, deep conviction that that is who He is. Because if He truly is the Lord of all creation, what am I doing??

Why am I not on my knees before him?


And that is the point, my friend.

This God who works over and above and through us...

He is alive.

And there is no where to escape His love, and compassion, and justice.

That last world will scare you.






...


I'm just frustrated because the world has done such a good job in encouraging my doubts. Stupid satan and your people, LEAVE ME ALONE.

I know I sound like a crazy.

I know. It's been said before.

This is why I decided I want to minor in theology.

Because life is too important to me.



I want to serve the MOST High who loves better than anyone here ever has. I want to be before His throne one day and be able to know that I did serve him. I want him to smile on me.

It sounds crazy but you want it too, I know.


You too want something more. I'm gonna fight to find it, I am.

I really hope you do the same.



....


Wow. Longer than I'd planned...



So when my heart gets caught on petty things. And when I'm stuck on feeling un-loved or less beautiful or more hopelesss...


I think of that throne and know that someone sees me, knows me, adores me.


And He is the best everything.

He is the best everything.

So worthy, so worthy.

You are so good to me
You heal my broken heart
You are my father in heaven


You are beautiful my sweet, sweet song

And I will sing again

And.

Things I wish I knew I believed and acted on, take one.


"You, my brothers, are called to be free."

and I was changed.

What I'm thankful for is things that never change.

I have a group of friends, unique to anyone else.

3 girls that have been in my life... forever. And there were times we didn't speak. There were times we were almost invisable to eachother.

Almost.

I am different.


Experiences shape us. And people in our lives can do whirlwind things to us; our brains, our play-dough hearts, our psyche.


..It just amazes me

that four girls could stick together after all the tornados that hit each one of us.

There's still love between us. Still connection.



And I know that those are the girls who will stand up in my wedding.
Those are the girls who will be cradling my baby, maybe, someday.

And we will still be there for eachother. Through disastrous relationships and lost jobs, 21st birthdays and sickness in families. Reunions and anniversaries, shopping trips and therepeutic coffee dates.



We need stability in our lives. We need something to yank us out of the whirlwind for a second, for a second to breathe.


And no,

these people are not God. And places expectations that are impossible is just cruel.

You won't get anywhere like that.

You can't do anything without him.






But sometimes I think we can see a bit of him through this people. A love no matter what. A listening ear and acceptance no matter how stupid you've been.



Unconditional friendship, and graciousness.



I don't know.
I guess I'm just thinking of things to be thankful for.


I hope you have some.

true love died.

So I'm in college and meeting a lot of people.

A very, very common topic at Wheaton College and I guess everywhere else.. but especially Wheaton College is dating. There's the whole... "Ring by Spring" or.. "Fischer girls you date, Smith girls you marry.." or.. the whole Roulette thing. (roommate sets you up on a blind date, etc.)

Obviously this isn't very great for me because my mind is on that.. or.. relationship things. or whatever, much too often.

And I don't want it to be that way. I want something real.




So I guess you could label that whole category as true love. (cheesy, but when you think of the word true meaning real and the word love as more than just.. oh em gee I love that cute sweater.. then maybe we can use it)

And then these words just jump into my head:

true love died.



This is from Phil Wickham's song. I think that's why it popped in my head. but honestly... that's real.


True love died.


True love was Jesus.

And that true love showed when.. he died an incredble death.



Oh, I don't know. I don't know how this will read to people who don't believe that God loves them, or that Jesus wasn't anyone more than a random guy, or that church people are horridly judgemental. or even, what the heck does that mean.

but..



The love that God has for me is a gorgeous kind of forgiving. it's provision, always. it's a loud whisper or rebuke. it's a.. don't hurt yourself, little one.


Sometimes I want to be convinced by physicality. Like.. all I want is to hug someone. To have strong arms around me.


Why do I think that God won't be able to give something better?

He speaks and things come to life.




I have been desperately job searching.

Not only was I hired, but I was hired for a job that will look incredible on my resume. It's a job that will stretch me and pull me. And it's a job that I most likely will enjoy.

What.

It's a great, great job. And I would've completely settled for waiting tables somewhere.





I ask him to speak and he says listen.
I ask him to make himself known and He moves all around me.
I ask to see him and everything around me is a mirror of our creator.. what if he is saying just open your eyes??



I don't want to miss it.
That's why I'm trying to pay attention.


He deserves the worship.
He deserves all the praise.


Forget the perfect guy. The perfect love.





True love for me was so great
True love for you was so sacrificing
True love for you was so devoted, so caring, so rich, so pressing

that true love was willing to die.
and then He did.

frustrating messages and my response to them.

I'm not good at accepting the fact that I just can't be friends with some people any more.

I keep dragging along these places and memories and experiences behind me... like lugging around suitcases of parkas and sweaters if you're living in Napa Valley.

You just can't do it.

Because, see, dragging around those suticases is going to stop you from, say, surfing. Or taking long walks on the beach, or being an appraochable member of society. You cannot afford to miss out on these things.

Don't think that I am dehumanizing people that I know, or by any means am devaluing who they are and how much they mean to me.

I'm not talking about these people, my incredible friends and loves, in themselves.

I'm talking about the connection I have. The desire that just won't fade. The want to stay close and be close and live close when that's really not possible.

You just can't have a billion friends.

Facebook lies.

Actually, relationships take time, and outpouring of souls and did I mention time?

Investment. Care. Growth.


And honestly, all the sweaters and parkas are getting gross in that suitcase. And my arms are getting tired.





...



It's okay to let people go.


And doing that doesn't mean that you don't love them.



Eventually, I have to swallow the lump in my throat and accept the fact that love changes. Because we change.

...And that's okay.

to be honest

Being on your own definitely presents a new set of challenges.

I can do literally anything I want with any amount of time I have.

..

so..

laundry
cleaning my awful room
going to class
remembering to pick up lunch
meeting friends for dinner
working out
finding a church
finding a job
making a resume
going on a target run
doing random school activies
gospel choir
writing papers
doing homeworking
going over class material
finding my ID
talking to people
eating, sometimes

...sleep?


I just read Kristi's blog about being busy. And... it helped me, it did.


I keep thinking about how less-stressed I'd be if I just gave everything over to God. Life just looked so nice and neat and quiet that way. Do some stuff.. work a little on homework.. lounge around with a cup of coffee and journal. And read Christian books I like and open the Bible like I'm skimming poetry.


None of this plan involved sacrifice, hardship, pain, or wrestling.

None of this perfect picture involved the fact that uhh... you are bad at this.


It's like, I do literally everything else on that list except come before the Lord. Case in point, I am blogging to you right now. Not sitting in quiet and getting deeper into his letter to us.


How much do you understand of the Bible? Because sometimes, that stuff can be hard my friend. And a lot more sticky and dense than I think.

And why don't I want to spend time with God?


..Because I feel like I am a giant pile of garbage. I mean.. it's not that I lack self-confidence or that I don't think I'm loved by God and other people yeah I know that.

I just mean that I feel like I'm a hoarder on the inside. There's all these memories and wants and stresses and sin that my free self is buried under it.

I'm in there, somewhere, reaching up, trying to crawl out of this.. stuff.

Old microwaves and bowling balls, ugly figurines and take-out containers.


That is what lies in my soul sometimes. And taking the first step, to start, is hard. And then making yourself do it the next day is hard.


(Which I'm also going through with studying. Because i've never ever done it before.)

So a lot of my life is crawling out of the world I've created around me. Help!!


..


The main point is,

all of this rant consisted of the word "I" and didn't consist nearly enough of Him.



"You, my brothers, are called to be free."


I am rescued by the Lord. And he literally has everything under control.


And He knows best that he doesn't need me. But he knows that it's best for me to come to him. And just stand there, humble. Just saying.. Hi. Here I am. This is all I have. I love you. Thank you.

You make beautiful things out of us,

somehow.



And that's what is important, my friends.

That we are under control and care of a magnificient God. Who doesn't only give two cents about you, actually, He pours his ocean of grace over you.

How's that for mind-blown.





My schedule looks so different after thinking on these things.

I wish I could take away every twinge of lonliness you've ever felt.

And every message of "un"worth that speeds around in your head.



And every I love you that you wanted and never recieved.




Yeah, I pray for all of us. I pray that all these charcoal caverns will be filled with something more colorful, and bright, and full of the goodness of him.


I know you're looking for it, and I know you stretch out your hands to other things.

And I also know that downcast look you get on your face. When you realize nothing is there.



Iloveyou.


And I pray for you all the time.




Because I know what prayer we need. Because..





I could use so much.

simple.

Honestly, no other physical posession gives me as much joy as flowers do.

I know I'm supposed to say that the Bible gives me the most joy, but I don't see the Bible as a simple pleasure. I see it as a life source, really. And a strength-giver. And instruction manual. And a love letter.

See. Not so simple.


Flowers to me say, "Guess what? This is beauty in its purest form. Not made up to look like something it's not. Just beautiful, plain and simple."

And the joy I get from recieving flowers is unlike anything else.

(I know I'm weird. It's not anything new.)


But no guy could ever give me anything better than red roses. Not even a trip to Ouahu. (.. well.. nope. not even then.)

Because roses are beautifully natural. and in a world full of plastic everything and trying to be such and such, and on the move to wherever,


They still existjust as they were created.


I feel like.. it's a gift that says "I love you", and that also makes a triangle between me, and you, and our incredible, loving Creator.


See,

simply beautiful.

new things

I heard it. I heard the shatter before I felt it.

It showered down on me. Or collapsed. Or whatever. The pile of stuff that was balanced so precariously. The mess that I had allowed not only to exist, but to flourish.

It was shocking when it fell, because I was in a groggy state. I didn't notice when my weight began to affect the foundation of all these things I let live on top of my working space.


When I hesitantly opened my eyes squeezed shut, I saw my hands still in tact. There wasn't any blood dripping from me and that was a relief.

What surrounded my feet was newly sliced glass. Shards swam over my shoes, my bags, my floor, splayed into a pattern of nothing. Sharp chaos.

I found myself kneeling on the ground, intently searching for each one of those clear knives. Trying to be safe, to be kind.

And there was the empty frame.


Ahh. I liked that frame.

Yes, I was tired.

I am tired. This whirlwind of new things has turned me crazy. Consistency does not exist yet and for the sake of "trying new things", meeting new people, or even for "that's is just how it happen", I am constantly cast into these waves of awkward. Uncomfortable moments. Frightening moments. My photographic memory seems to come alive for these.

I am left with an unquenchable desire for peace.

Rest. Knowledgeable rest. And rest in love.



If only i could be that broken picture frame.

Empty, and available. Awating fufillment.

If only pieces of my soul were flung out like those shards of glass-

real and sharp, beautiful and dangerous.



If all of it was laid out to see, maybe i could get a hold of it.


Or maybe,

I could hand these shards of me over to him.

And he would create with it a mosaic. Of some beautiful, of some "this is who I want you to be."


So that would instead be what filled the frame of this wanderer, searcher.




And then again,
there's this:

Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.

-Psalm 116:7





It's true that He has always kept his promises.

And has been good to me,


even if all I consist of is broken.

Just in Time.

This blog is being written and renewed I suppose. I guess a lot of you know that I've been writing for a while, so is not suprising.

I wanted to create something new because I want to leave things behind. And I've been thinking about wonderfully new, mindblowing things lately and needed some place to put them.

Wheaton College is changing things.

What I mean is, Wheaton is changing things for me, and forcing me to re-think a whole lot that has been sitting in my head forever.

It is time to let things loose. To let myself breathe and take in.

hear that part?

take in.

Fufillment needs to happen.

Fulfillment within me. Where all these empty, cavernous spaces.. that hold dust and cobwebs.. they're getting old and frankly, tiresome.

I would love to see things grow.


I'm more facinated by nature at the moment. Which sounds weird and like I'm trying to be a poet from the romantic era or something fancy. But really.

I'm holding, clinging desperately to whatever I can grasp of him. This God of the universe who apparently cares about me.

And he does, I know he does. But I'm still learning how to talk to him, and how to serve him.



And I want to include my loved ones in this.


Ones that already love Him I want to get wisdom frome, and share with them,

and ones that are far away



I hope they see him soon.






I don't know if this is a good precedent for the rest of the writing that will be on here, and I also don't know if any of this was interesting to you.

But just in case you're a person who loves,
just in case you're a soul who's searching
just in case you don't what what the heck you're doing but you're gonna keep trying...


sweet. we're in the same boat.


i love you, a lot. and your story is important. i hope you share yours too, as i'm sharing mine with this.




more next time,
and hopefully,
just a little more insight.