to be honest

Being on your own definitely presents a new set of challenges.

I can do literally anything I want with any amount of time I have.

..

so..

laundry
cleaning my awful room
going to class
remembering to pick up lunch
meeting friends for dinner
working out
finding a church
finding a job
making a resume
going on a target run
doing random school activies
gospel choir
writing papers
doing homeworking
going over class material
finding my ID
talking to people
eating, sometimes

...sleep?


I just read Kristi's blog about being busy. And... it helped me, it did.


I keep thinking about how less-stressed I'd be if I just gave everything over to God. Life just looked so nice and neat and quiet that way. Do some stuff.. work a little on homework.. lounge around with a cup of coffee and journal. And read Christian books I like and open the Bible like I'm skimming poetry.


None of this plan involved sacrifice, hardship, pain, or wrestling.

None of this perfect picture involved the fact that uhh... you are bad at this.


It's like, I do literally everything else on that list except come before the Lord. Case in point, I am blogging to you right now. Not sitting in quiet and getting deeper into his letter to us.


How much do you understand of the Bible? Because sometimes, that stuff can be hard my friend. And a lot more sticky and dense than I think.

And why don't I want to spend time with God?


..Because I feel like I am a giant pile of garbage. I mean.. it's not that I lack self-confidence or that I don't think I'm loved by God and other people yeah I know that.

I just mean that I feel like I'm a hoarder on the inside. There's all these memories and wants and stresses and sin that my free self is buried under it.

I'm in there, somewhere, reaching up, trying to crawl out of this.. stuff.

Old microwaves and bowling balls, ugly figurines and take-out containers.


That is what lies in my soul sometimes. And taking the first step, to start, is hard. And then making yourself do it the next day is hard.


(Which I'm also going through with studying. Because i've never ever done it before.)

So a lot of my life is crawling out of the world I've created around me. Help!!


..


The main point is,

all of this rant consisted of the word "I" and didn't consist nearly enough of Him.



"You, my brothers, are called to be free."


I am rescued by the Lord. And he literally has everything under control.


And He knows best that he doesn't need me. But he knows that it's best for me to come to him. And just stand there, humble. Just saying.. Hi. Here I am. This is all I have. I love you. Thank you.

You make beautiful things out of us,

somehow.



And that's what is important, my friends.

That we are under control and care of a magnificient God. Who doesn't only give two cents about you, actually, He pours his ocean of grace over you.

How's that for mind-blown.





My schedule looks so different after thinking on these things.